Holy matron from lands above,
How perfect, how true are you?
Your claim to fame is all but a game,
A game you make us play too.
You are tired and withered, a witch in a blizzard,
Contradicting the cause of the true.
Come show us your anger, for we are no stranger,
And we'll show you ours too.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
While I appreciate the sentiment behind it, the poem itself is too bald for my taste. It asks a question, then answers itself, and one is left wondering what the point of reading is. It really doesn't tell me anything I don't know, or make me see things in a new light, and while it is well phrased the overall feeling is one of "So what?".
That said, you seem to have a good grasp of rhythm and the rhyme scheme is interesting. A couple of the rhymes feel forced - especially the last line; is there any way you can alter the "not a stranger" part? - but overall it is a competent piece. I'll look forward to reading some more of your work
Cheers,
~bubbles
PS: Welcome to YWS!
J C Belding;
While I appreciate the sentiment behind it, the poem itself is too bald for my taste.
The "holy matron" is just a representation for old traditions and beliefs and the poem is centered upon the idea of breaking away from old and possibly foolish customs. It is also about people looking at matters from a more sensible perspective and assuming a lust for indipendance as time passes by.
What is this referencing? Because right now it seems to be referencing a "Goddess" figure, and I'm not quite sure you wanted that. Besides, some of the lines don't really make sense, if we take that imagery to be true.
So, instead of thinking what rhymes and sounds good with each other, try to make it make more sense. I don't mean you can't be abstract -- but at least link some of the ideas you have in this poem together.
Hahaha! I actually kinda liked this. First, "tiered" is spelled "tired." And the rhyming is ehhh.... So it needs a little work I'd say. But it's on its way!
Keep writing! And welcome to the YWS!!
~Yoyo
I like the flow of this. The imagery is also very nice.
Some qualms though:
"And we'll show you ares too"
Do you mean ours? or Ares? though Ares would not make much sense, to what I *think* you're talking about.
And you have a lack of punctuation thart takes away from the poem. I could read the poem, and create my own sense of flow, but I think you need to place some punctuation to be able to have some *real* flow, and a cohesive piece.
I am also a little confused as to the point. We don't know who the Matron is, and I keep feeling as though there should be more ahead... Though your last line is good as a completion line. It is all a little confusing. It neither leads no where nor stays in one place.
I can't say I *liked* this as such. But I do know that I don't dislike it, I do think the additions of puncuation and clearing up that little word problem should help.
In the end, nice work, keep it up.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.